Desperate Housewives

Alright, raise your hands if you saw this one coming. Don't expect any extra credit, though--we're no strangers to witch hunts here, after all. Riding on the coattails of previous successes such as the recent mass tirade against Malu Fernandez, Filipino lawmakers and bloggers everywhere have extended their crusades into the realm of American television. Sure, we've taken down movie stars before, and our campaign to shame Jollibee haters off the Internet forever is going strong to this day, but to my recollection, we've never before taken a stand against the most vile of media: American pop culture. More specifically:

In the premiere episode of "Desperate Housewives" Season 4, the character Susan Mayer (played by actress Teri Hatcher) asked for the credentials of the gynecologist who examined her after being told that she was approaching menopause.

Mayer said: "Can I check those diplomas 'coz I just want to make sure that they're not from some med school in the Philippines."

Hey, guess who else is approaching menopause? Every time I read articles like this, I begin to feel like it's me, but then I realize I'm more like that manager who's grumpy after the menopausal lady got her panties in a bunch at a clerk who gave her the wrong size bra. Where do I begin? The part where all the news sites are clogged up with interesting and original articles about how offended we are? The part where someone made an online petition (because online petitions always work!) demanding a public apology? This petition has thousands of signatures, just like that time when we voted that dictator guy off the island!

Anyway, that doesn't matter. More importantly, I want to know: What the fuck are you idiots doing? It's a fucking throwaway line from a fucking television show. Historically, television shows have been known to do this thing called humor where they play off well-known events and stereotypes, such as the mass cheating on the nursing exams or how black people love fried chicken. How about taking a cue from gay people? Our television shows consistently portray them as flamboyant goofballs, but they take it in stride. And how about them Koreans and Chinese people? Please! Tell me the last time you jumped to their defense the last time your friend talked about how these filthy Mudbloods are taking over the country! One of the original email forwards says "there is strength in numbers!" That's quite telling about how we like to react to these things, isn't it?

Look: the producers have, in fact, apologized. That's more than enough for anyone, considering that the line was said through a medium that's historically known for tossing insults at every political and religious organization imaginable, and then some. Ah, but that's right. Filipinos don't consider themselves "just anyone." Filipinos are special, like the most beautiful and delicate butterflies you've ever seen, except with hive minds like killer bees that lash at anyone who disturbs their fantasy world of flowers and honey.

Apologies simply aren't enough for us, you see. We like it in blood. It certainly didn't take long before lawmakers called for a ban on the show, and threw in a shot against Teri Hatcher while they were at it. As an added bonus, said lawmakers have even included their very own Desperate Housewives fanfiction! Let me quote that part for you. The double standards in it are simply amazing:

"What should happen is Desperate Housewives should have a future episode where Teri Hatcher says she wants to have a Filipino doctor because she heard that they're the best. Something that would come close to undoing the damage that was done," Rodis told the ABS-CBN North America Bureau.

No, listen: What should happen is you should just shut up forever. Conan O' Brien insulted around 200 countries to their faces, and even conservative Iran and Afghanistan had better things to do than go and announce to the world how Conan is soooooo non grata now. You and your ilk are shitting up this country, and that's saying a lot considering where we fucking live. I'm not even talking about corruption here, just plain overall worthlessness and shittiness. How about you stop filling up the government archives with trash like resolutions banning your least favorite television shows and get around to more important matters, like, I don't know, everything else? Can you please explain to me exactly how is it that you and people like you from the Philippines manage to be less chill than the people in war-torn Zimbabwe?

Ahh, I get it. Those guys aren't chill, they just have worse things to worry about. Hey, good thing we don't, right? All's well then. :)